I know I shouldn’t post a personal photo on the internet but I think this person deserves to be remembered.
Bhavadharini Sivakumar.
She was my friend, someone who I met in college and who decided to adopt me as a friend. One minute she was a complete stranger and the next she let me sleep in her dorm room because my own hostel was closed for the night. And that’s all. That’s how we became friends.
She passed away on 18th Oct, 2023. We had lost touch for a while as it happens with college friendships. I had last spoken to her 2 months before she died. She texted me to ask for book recommendations and I gave her my top 5 usual favorite recommendations. It never occurred to me to ask her how she was doing. It never occurred to me to imagine anything else might be going on with her. She asked me and I responded and that’s it. I didn’t even prolong the conversation because I was not even curious. I don’t know what I was doing that day which had me distracted.
I found out she passed away from one of her cousins who lives in the same city as me. And I’ll forever be grateful that he thought he should tell me and our other friends. Else, I would never have found out on that day.
I still remember I was watching tv with my husband when I opened my phone to see her cousin’s message. It was a text message. I remember my breath leaving me and I remember clutching my chest because I couldn’t breathe and it hurt physically in my chest. It was so difficult to just get those words out to my husband that she was no more. I’m sure my tears started after that.
I tried calling her cousin and he didn’t attend the call. I tried calling my two other friends who were also close to her and they didn’t attend my call. I had to actually call my mom. Because I had to talk to someone. I had to share the grief that was building in me. And calling my mom was the worst because she didn’t know Dharini. All she could do was ask questions like who she was and how old she was.
When a friend finally found time to call back, I was already spent and didn’t have the energy to respond to “I can’t believe she is gone”.
Dharini had her quirks and her flaws and her values. She was very beautiful. And I’m not just saying that. She was objectively beautiful and in fact that was the first thing I noticed about her when I first met her. And she was loud and crass sometimes. That was what made her her. She used to be loud about her thoughts and honest. It could be endearing or annoying. But she spoke her mind.
Our friendship had many ups and downs during our college era. There are many things I regret and wish I could take back. I’m sure there were many times I’ve made her feel lonely when she needed friends. I’m sorry, Dharini. I wish I could take all that back.
I don’t know why I decided to write this post. It’s just one of those days where I miss Dharini. I think about her often. Sometimes, the most random things trigger a memory. Today I just decided to put everything into words here instead of letting them fade. That’s why there is no clear beginning or end to this post.
I just wanted Bhavadharini to be remembered forever even if it just the internet. I miss you a lot and so often. I’m sorry we couldn’t be better friends. I’m sorry that you’re not here. I don’t know where you are or if you are. Are you happy? Were you happy? I think about you a lot. I’m sorry we didn’t speak much. Hope you had better friends where you lived. I hope you were surrounded by lots of love and joy while you were here.
